ASK AMY: Partner ignored by family wonders why

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Dear Amy: I m 35 years old; my “fiancé” is 40 years old.

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We have been engaged for 11 years.

My question is NOT why we didn’t get married.

I wonder why her father made no effort to make me feel welcome, even after so many years together.

Almost every weekend, her father picks up my fiancé. They then return to his father’s house to spend most of the day.

Even the simplest greetings are met with blank stares. He completely ignores my presence!

Amy, I can’t even get a “hello” from this man.

My partner always says, “Just give him time. Then he changes the subject.

My family went out of their way to make my partner feel welcome because they know I love him and he is part of my life.

I just don’t understand why he didn’t do anything to remedy the situation. Or why I didn’t have a valid reason for his father’s choice to completely alienate me, even though he welcomed his brother’s psychopathic girlfriend into their lives with open arms.

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Am I wrong to want to be accepted by his family?

And if not, then at least have a reason why I’m not accepted?

– Woman Left Out

Dear left out: It’s not wrong to want acceptance from your partner’s family – or anyone.

However, you and your “fiancé” (to use your quotes) are extremely passive in your response.

Your 11-year engagement could be a clue that you two are extremely similar when it comes to your passivity (and patience).

However, being similar does not mean you are a good match.

“Give him time” is an elastic concept for your man. The glaciers have melted faster than it appears to be moving.

This problem should ask you bigger questions: If this man has been rude to you for over a decade, why haven’t you called him? And why not your boyfriend?

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Also, would you spend part of every weekend hanging out with someone who was mean to the person you love, even if your boyfriend was your relative?

As passive and patient as you have been, it might be time for you to look at your sundial and say “time is up.”

Dear Amy: My older brother is getting married this summer, his second marriage. He practices a very conservative Christian belief and told me that because I am a gay man I am a sinner and will go to hell in the afterlife.

His children told me that they were praying for my salvation.

Throughout my youth, he abused and tortured me physically, emotionally and sexually.

We are both in our 60s and for most of our lives we have had very little contact.

I don’t want to go to her wedding, however, my mother puts a lot of pressure on me to go.

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The thought of going to the wedding makes me anxious and angry.

I don’t want to see him or his family, but I feel guilty for not supporting my mother. What should I do?

– Confused Brother

Dear confused: Don’t give in to your mother’s pressure. Compassionately understand that she may be hoping to bridge the gap between you and your brother, but unless she has also urged your brother to atone for his behavior and ask for forgiveness, any contact should be with you.

Stay calm and offer to help your mother by asking a friend or family member to go with her.

Dear Amy: I was a little troubled by your advice to “Accused of Desertion”, who decided to go home alone after their partner tested positive for COVID.

What I think has been entirely missed is the fact that close contact with a COVID positive person – even if they themselves have tested negative – can still become infected and put others at risk. taking a flight.

I know public health guidelines have been confusing and inconsistent, but current CDC guidelines are to postpone travel for at least five days after last contact with the infected person and test at that time.

I implore anyone who cannot or does not want to self-isolate or quarantine at their destination to rethink air travel for now.

– An exhausted doctor

Dear Exhausted: Thanks for the clarifications and advice. And thank you for the hard work trying to keep people healthy and safe.

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