ASK AMY: Engaged couple should become hosts

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Dear Amy: My fiance and I recently became engaged. He is originally from another country, and his family still lives there. Because of COVID-19 restrictions and the visa process, most are unable to travel to the US for a wedding, so we decided to host (and pay for) a small US ceremony and have a big wedding in his home country (where costs are much lower).

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My parents have stated that they will not travel, even though they take trips elsewhere. We are deeply hurt and disappointed by this. My fiance is especially hurt, because this may be their only opportunity to meet his family.

Initially, we wanted to include our families in the planning, but my parents have argued every step of the way.

I called my mother to invite her to look at a venue; it ended with her insulting me and then hanging up on me.

My fiance and I looked at the venue, loved it, and booked it on the spot. My mother was then devastated that she was not included.

We also told my parents that we would not be able to include some of their friends on our guest list, but that they were welcome to invite these friends if they covered the cost. (I have not seen most of these people in several years, and none have met my fiance.)

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Both parents called me several times during my workday and sent me multiple harsh emails.

My parents have complained about the situation to other family members, who have told us that we are wrong for “ruining their day.”

We’re at the point where we are considering canceling our wedding in the US

Are we wrong? Aside from continuing to enforce boundaries, how do we handle “Momzilla”?

– Bride-to-Be in CT

Dear Bride-to-Be: You are trying to set and enforce boundaries, but so far, you seem to be closing the gate after your folks have already scaled the wall.

You are paying for this entire affair. You and your fiance are the hosts. Your folks should be treated as honored guests: invited, given appropriate seating and roles during the ceremony and reception, but – NO control over your plans, because they are demonstrating that they can’t handle being included.

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You should not welcome them to invite people to your wedding and reception whom you have no desire to see.

I think you should take a deep breath and make a real choice about what you want to do next – not reacting out of this moment’s anger, but with a wider view concerning what you are doing, and why, and how you want to look back we all of it.

You might consider switching the order of these ceremonies – if possible, having your foreign nuptials first, followed by another blessing and small reception at a later date in the States.

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Dear Amy: I did something I now realize was pretty stupid.

Out of boredom, really, I became involved in a sexual relationship with one of my roommates. There was some attraction there – certainly at first – but I can tell that she has grown to really care about me at about the same rate that I have grown not to care too much for her.

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I don’t want to blame the pandemic for my own choices, but I do know that if we hadn’t been sort of stuck together in this housing situation, this relationship wouldn’t have happened.

I know I need to break up, but I’m dreading it.

A little help, please?

– Trapped

Dear Trapped: Your boredom got you into this and your cowardice is keeping you in it.

It looks like it’s time to grow up.

I suggest that, if possible, you look for other housing and make basic plans for your future that involve you being the change agent in your own life.

You should be completely honest with your roommate. Tell her, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Stop sleeping with her. Tolerate any confusion she expresses, don’t blame her for any of this, and do your best to exit peacefully.

Dear Amy: The question from “Ally” caught my eye. Ally and his wife had been given a rainbow flag from their daughter and her partner for Christmas.

Thank you for including your perspective about the daughter’s possible motives for presenting this flag.

I especially appreciated the part where you said that if they don’t want to fly the flag, they shouldn’t. It’s their house.

– Also an Ally

Dear Ally: All of the players here really needed to talk about it.

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